I can get distracted sometimes

I totally forgot to actually publish the link to my new blog. It's http://catalyticreactions.blogspot.com. Enjoy!

Moving forward, making bonds and making heat.

Hey all,

I'm not sure who follows this anymore, but I decided to start blogging again (after getting married, deciding to drop out of grad school, deciding to go back to grad school, and then taking my qualifying exams), but I also decided that, as important as fat acceptance is to me, there are other topics of importance as well, like feminism, anti-racism, Judaism, and science. And I want to write about them and how they intersect. So I started a new blog called "Catalytic Reactions." There are a few posts up there already. Enjoy!

Makin' Babies

I've been thinking about babies a lot recently, for a number of reasons.

1. I just saw the quite interesting documentary "The Business of Being Born".

2. There's a phenomenon that, soon after you get married, people start asking about the kids. Forgetting that I'm in grad school. Forgetting that I'm freaking 23 and just started being able to take care of MYSELF, let alone a child. Ignoring that it's generally not best for the relationship to jump into baby-making straight away. People continue to tell me that we should really get on the baby making. Ugh.

3. I'm being treated for PCOS, which of course makes me consistently wonder/worry about my reproductive health and fertility. (TMI: at this point it's been 6 months since I've menstruated without hormones. This frightens the bejeebuz out of me.)

4. These posts on feminism and reproductive rights have sparked more thoughts on the subject of people discouraged from giving birth.

So I find myself in conflict. On the one hand, I've just gotten married, so clearly I should be OBSESSED with having babies. On the other hand, I've got PCOS, which makes me an undesirable who should clearly not be having kids. Especially given the genetic component of PCOS. On the other hand, one of the main problems with PCOS is loss of fertility, and treatment is often focused on regaining fertility. I, personally, would be incredibly happy to return to a normal menstrual cycle, particularly so I stop having pregnancy scares. Oh, and PCOS also can increase fatness, adding an additional undesirable parental quality, by society's standards.

At the end of the day, I find myself returning to a few main points:

1. The choice to have children is incredibly personal. You have no right to tell me whether or not to have children. It's my choice, one way or the other.

2. One quality or another does not make somebody selfish for having children. Me, my mother, and my grandmother have all led successful, happy lives as fat women with PCOS. If I have a daughter who has PCOS, I'm sure she will also live a successful, happy life. Same goes for parents who are poor or disabled or some other quality that people dislike.

3. Forced sterilization is NOT OK. Period. In the comments on Kate Harding's article linked above, so many people are claiming, "Well, she did want birth control. And she got it. What's the big deal." Let me tell you that I am on birth control and love it and would SO not be off it right now, but the thought of not being able to have kids ever is really scary. And I haven't even had an invasive procedure done without my consent. The only time I can see forced sterilization being acceptable at all, would be in the case of a repeat rapist, but that would probably fall under cruel and unusual punishment.

4. People moaning and groaning about welfare costs really piss me off. We pay for so many other things that are so much more expensive. Idea: incentivise birth control over having more children for people on welfare. (This is probably already done, though I don't know and am too lazy to do the research) And not just condoms which are annoying and can be used incorrectly. I am a HUGE proponent of IUDs, which have very low failure risks, are cheap in the long run, and have very low risk of user error. The ring could also be a good method. Really, anything that doesn't require frequent use would probably be good (i.e. not condoms or daily pills). Also, support a living wage so people are less likely to go on welfare in the first place.

5. Dogmatic (emphasis on dogmatic) anti-baby people really piss me off too. If you don't want to have kids, that's great. But please don't shame me for my choice to have children. Y'know, if I actually can. I remember a conversation I was having with a friend where she went on and on about how people with fertility problems should just adopt (like it's tots easy, right?) and are really selfish for seeking fertility treatments. At which point I told her that I was a fertility treatment baby and, oh yeah, I probably will have fertility problems. Seriously people, think before you talk. This is different from my friends who don't want to have children, are public about it, and still are supportive of friends and acquaintances to do.

In short, let people make their own choices, and don't be a dogmatic jackass.

But what about the thin girls?

Oh, the thin ladies. This has been a point of discussion in a couple places recently, so I decided to throw in my $0.03. Gotta take inflation into account, dontcha know?

When I'm at my most energized, when I'm having a great day, when I'm ready to take the bull by the horns and logic it to death, then I talk about fat acceptance. When I'm feeling tired, and I'm having a crappy day, and I can barely manage to throw a QED at the bull, then I talk about body acceptance. You see, body acceptance is palatable to a lot of people already, at least the beginnings of it. To say, "hey, my body's ok!" is something that we've all heard for a very long time. And, because "fat" isn't in the name, it doesn't force people to think about those other bodies. You know the ones. And even though they're talking to me, a fat woman (~230 lbs, for context), for some reason it's still easy to ignore other fat bodies. Maybe they're just so blown away by my awesome that they think "of course we should accept Shoshie's body. She's just so damn shmexy!" I mean, it's totally possible.

But the same people who smile, nod, and let me ramble about body acceptance, start to get forhead wrinkles if I say the same things, but call it fat acceptance. Because now they've got a headless fatty mind invasion. They're not thinking of me, their good 'ol fat pal who they know takes dance lessons and buys into a farm share and goes on hikes with them. Now they're thinking of Homer Simpson in a muumuu eating donuts. That they have a bit more trouble smiling along with.

But here's the thing. Most fat people AREN'T Homer Simpson in a muumuu. And while we do need overall body acceptance, fat acceptance fills a different need. Average-to-thin sized women complain about not being able to find clothing that fits well. But fat women can't find clothing to even try on. Everyone is being told to trim down here and wear these clothes and your eyelashes are too short why don't you have longer eyelashes! But fat women are told that everything is wrong. You can't even partition your body into acceptable parts and innacceptable parts because the whole thing is wrong. And thin people will never be denied a job or an airplane seat because of their size.

Don't get me wrong, people are harassed for being thin. And it sucks and it's wrong. No one's voice should be marginalized. But the fact is, that for every person telling a thin woman to eat a sandwich, there's a million other sources telling her that she is the ideal. And that it would be the worst thing in the world if that were ever to change. For ever insensitive asshole who jokes about bulimia, there's 10 more who encourage thinness, and not just other insensitive assholes, but parents, doctors, teachers, mentors. They'll mask it by saying it's for health, and they don't want the person to be REALLY thin, just an "ideal weight." However, that so-called ideal weight is just as unatainnable as any picture of a supermodel.

Seriously. Really truely. And to be told your whole life by, not only the popular media, but by doctors and friends and parents and people you really trust that this is the body for you and you have failed by not getting there yet and you will always fail and you are a failure daring to sit there and watch tv or enjoy food even for a moment...

Well, that's just not something that thin people have to deal with very often. If they do, it's called abuse. But it is a very common experience for fat people. And if it doesn't happen, well then it's sometimes called abuse or neglect. That is where the fat experience differs and why we absolutely need a fat acceptance movement, maybe alongside a general body acceptance movement.

So what can you do if you're thin and you want to help fight the good fight?
1. Acknowledge your privelege. Acknowledge that, while things may suck for you on the body positivity front, if you weighed 100 lbs more things would be much, much harder. Don't believe me? How would you feel if you woke up tomorrow weighing that 100 lbs more? How would your life change? Would you feel angry? Would you feel cheated? Would you feel ashamed? What if you had a class reunion next week. Would you go?

2. Speak out against fat hatred. Jokes about fat people aren't funny, just like jokes about Jews, or people of color, or little people, or women, or people with disabilities aren't funny. Call people out on their bullshit. It's sad, but it'll mean more to them if it comes from you than if it comes from a fat person.

3. Be senstive when shopping or discussing clothing with fat friends. Go into plus size stores with them and tell them they look fabulous. Note: only do this if they've told you that they shop in plus size stores. Some people are really sensitive about that. I used to lie about where I got my clothing.

4. Don't make assumptions. About anyone. Don't assume that your fat friends are sedentary or eat unhealthfully. If they do, don't badger them about it. They're probably aware.

5. If a fat friend is complaining that she can't find anything to wear, or she's so fed up about our thin culture, don't get defensive, don't make it about you. Don't try to relate to her by saying that you also have such a hard time finding clothing and you totally don't look like a supermodel either. It's not the same, and you know it. Listen to her. Let her cry on your shoulder or rant or whatever she needs, and then tell her that she's awesome.

These aren't all easy things, but they're important. If you want to be an ally, that's wonderful! But please please PLEASE listen to what people have to say, first and foremost. If you haven't lived in a fat body, then you have a lot to learn about that experience. Please try to do that learning before getting annoyed or defensive. And if you want to talk about how hard it is to be a thin person in America, well, blogger accounts are free.

Oh, how I love the Onion

I know I've been a bad, bad fatty and haven't updated in way too long, but I just had to share this gem of an article:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/study_abstinence_only_lunch?utm_source=facebook_1

Hopefully I'll have a more substantial post at some point, but for now enjoy the hilarity.

Speaking to My Father: A success story

I've always been a daddy's girl. I couldn't tell you why. I love my mom, but we always fought a lot. Again, couldn't tell you why. However, the one area where I continually sided with my mom over the years was weight. I inherited my mother's body type. Going back as far as I can tell, women in her family are strong, Eastern European matriarchs, built for surviving famine and bearing children. My mom and I went to Weight Watchers together. We did South Beach Diet together. We braved shopping malls together. I think it hurt her to see me suffer through the same humiliations during those shopping trips that she had. She wanted me to be thin, because she knew how hard it was not to be. My brother is also built like my mother's family. He's not fat, but solid and broad. Like I'm told my grandfather was.

My dad is the opposite. He was a thin child who ran cross-country in high school and grew up to be a thin adult. He'll deny it, pointing the the small paunch that he developed during middle age, but nonetheless he's still very thin.

When my brother and I were growing up, my dad was the biggest proponent of diets and exercise. He'd often bemoan that we inherited my mother's genes instead of his. He was never abusive or shaming, but would clearly be disappointed when I inevitably gained weight back after stopping a diet. Every semester when I came back from college, within the first hour or two of arriving there would be some comment (positive or negative) about my weight. It was something important to him. So I was worried about what he'd think when I told him that I was no longer dieting.

It didn't come up intentionally. He's way more interested in exercise than my mother is, so I usually share my exercise exploits with him. My fiance and I went kayaking on Sunday for two hours. We're starting to exercise together, and I'm teaching him how to weight lift.

"You know," he said, "I read recently that weight training doesn't actually raise your metabolism. Maybe you want to try something else."

So I explained some stuff to him. I explained that I don't do it to lose weight. I explained that I love feeling my body get stronger. I explained that it helps my tendonitis and my back. I explained that it's fun. And I explained why I don't care that it may not raise your metabolism. I don't diet any more, I told him.

He was confused, at first. And concerned. So I explained some more. I cited studies that diets don't work. I reminded him how much I'd tried and how little it worked. I told him about trying to cut out all-but-homemade sweets (both fiance and I have family history of diabetes and would like to keep it as history, but we LOVE baking) and buying a farm share for the season to make sure we're getting enough vegetables (also cheap-ish and local and organic!). I told him about hiking in the mountains and possibly buying a kayak (WANT). And I told him that my doctors say I'm healthy. Low blood pressure, low cholesterol, normal blood glucose (despite a maybe-kinda-possible diagnosis of PCOS).

He listened. And he agreed. Even conceded that Mom had better health stats than he did, so maybe I'm right and a lot of this stuff is genetic.

"All I care about is that you're healthy and happy, and you seem to be both of those. Love you, Shanni."

"I love you too, Dad."

Fun with BMI calculators

So, I haven't used a BMI calculator in forever, but I decided to futz around with one today, just for the hell of it.

To put my weight in context, I frequently takes walks upwards of 3 miles, often upwards of 5. The limiting factor in my walks seems to be shoe comfort and chafing, if I'm wearing a skirt. If I'm wearing comfortable shoes and jeans, I haven't yet met my walking limit (in a single time period), but it's somewhere past 8 miles. I do suck at walking up hills and stairs, but I get myself around. A hill certainly hasn't stopped me from my urban hiking. :)

I wear about a size 20, give or take.

My blood pressure is in the normal range. My cholesterol is low.

Now for the punchline: I currently weigh anywhere between 235 and 245. I don't own a scale, but I'm pretty sure it's somewhere around there. I am a towering 5'2.5". This puts me at a bmi of *drumroll* 43.2. Approximately. I am officially DEATHFAT.

I think that would make a good superhero name.

Yes, according to the bmi calculator, I'm going to keel over tomorrow. So then I had a thought. Well, I haven't been at this weight very long. For various reasons (grad school, moving, fiance is lazy and his laziness crawls onto me and sits in my lap thereby preventing me from getting off my fat ass and making as healthful food as I would like or exercising as much as I should not that I'm pointing fingers...) I have gained about 10 lbs since I moved to Seattle. My weight was consistently 220-225 for my junior and senior years of college. It was also this amount before I started a whole bunch of diets and then gained back all the weight.

Go go BMI calculator: 39.6

Hey! No longer DEATHFAT. Under a BMI of 40 I was merely SEVERLY obese, not MORBIDLY obese. Well then. I'd like to point out that during this time I was a VERY active college student with a job in a synthetic chemistry lab which required me to be up and about constantly. Every day. I didn't do the same level of LONG walking then as I do now, but I was walking everywhere because there were no buses and I had no car. Hmm. Ok.

Well, what about at my thinest, I wonder. In high school, I went on a bunch of diets. I did weight watchers and lost 18 lbs. I went on South Beach diet and lost about 40. In about 4 months. Aieeek. So, at my thinest I was 170 lbs. I wore a size 14 in jeans and, depending on the cut, could often fit into a size 12. In pictures from my senior year I look healthy (even though I was skating the edge of an eating disorder) and, though not skinny, not particularly fat.

Let's check out the BMI calculator's opinion: 30.6

Still obese. Had I dropped a mere four lbs lower, I would have traversed the boundary from obese to merely overweight.

It seems so silly. So incredibly ridiculous. I walk more than I did in high school. I certainly eat better. I'm happier and more organized. I have my shit together way better now than I did in high school. But in high school I was almost not obese.

I'm not entirely sure what the point of this was. Does it have one at all? I feel like there should be some major change in my life, since I went from severly obese to morbidly obese. Start the sirens, this is one big girl. But really all I want is a cape with the initials DF. Oh, and to maybe not be told that I'm going to cack it tomorrow when I'm clearly not.

Unless a certain car of evil that almost hit me last week decides to run another red light when I'm in the crosswalk. Freakin' SUVs.